Huh what?A brief encounter with someone who was on the other side of the gas pump a few nights ago. Encapsulated within this conversation is everything that’s wrong with America today.

The person on the other side of the gas pump was a lady (I think), perhaps in her 50s but possibly not, with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, looking like it was about to drop out at any second, which, as you know, is always good news at a gas pump. She was extremely obese. I’m obese too, but damn. She looked like someone who has openly declared war on her body from every available front.

Me, I was minding my own business, trying to top off the tank of my wife’s work vehicle so she wouldn’t have to worry about it the next morning. This involved repeatedly squeezing the “trigger” on the nozzle until I got to the next whole-dollar amount.

HER: You need to stop doin’ that. Yer gonna cause a spill and blow us all up.

[awkward pause as I realized she was addressing me]

ME: Okay… but the cigarette’s okay?

HER: Whut?

[not “what”, but indeed “whut“]

ME: It’s a combustion source. You’re not supposed to smoke while you’re pumping gas, last I checked.

[awkward pause as she realized I was addressing her]

HER: Some people just need ta mind their own bidness.

[yes, indeed, it was “bidness”]

End of conversation.

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Earl Green ()

I'm the creator, editor-in-chief and head writer of


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