If there’s anything more insidious than just damned spam, it’s porn spam. And even worse than that is porn spam carried over to the edge of English-as-a-fourth-language illegibility and dropped off without a care. To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, here’s the basic formula:

1. Word 1 = Some saucy adjective
2. Word 2 = Slang noun for a woman of loose virtue
3. Word 3 = Some racy verb
4. Word 4 = Some synonym, sometimes very distantly related, for “man”
5. Intersperse random characters through the statement resulting from the above random generation to try to get past the Bayesian filters.

My all-time favorite result of the above random generation technique arrived in my inbox this morning:

AWARD-WINNING FLOOZIE SERVICES HUMANITY

(That’s with all the random letters removed.)

Two thoughts spring immediately to mind: Continue Reading »

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From a spam blog comment that I deleted from the moderation queue:

truculent hamburger dialogue

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Best Nigerian scam e-mail I’ve seen in months.

My name is Cox Peter Jnr, a resident of London and an attorney to Late Mr. Nelson Lawrence, he was a prone oil dealer in Saudi Arabia, he died in Taiwan hospital along side with his two kids by a car crash. He left behind legacies and estates since 2002, which lead me to contact you today for a help of signing Form “M” of the security company beholding the sum of $60.2MUSD. According to records only his relatives can make a withdrawal of the fund from my late client’s account in the security bank in London.

Thanks for the laughs, “Cox Peter Jnr”. I’ll give you a “help” of something all right.

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Best spam subject header of the day:

Don’t let ED affect your sex!

Hey, if he even so much as tries, I am so gonna kick his butt.

Best Nigerian Money Scam spam of the month:
Well, this requires a little bit of backstory. I’m sure you’ve seen these before. They go to the tune of “I am Mrs. Mamby Pamby, and my husband, the deposed minister of finance in the Congo, was killed while escaping rebel insurgents…” etc. etc., and of course, you - lucky you! - have been randomly selected to help this person move the deceased’s entire fortune into your bank account. For safe keeping. Of course.

This one, however, the best Nigerian scam e-mail in history, started out: “My husband and I, the deposed minster of finance in the Congo, was killed while escaping…”

Don’t tell it to me, honey. I’ll forward your e-mail to Ghost Hunters or something.

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I got this in my e-mail today, and it just seemed so wonderfully vague that I had to laugh:

The primrose path is hereabout with Cial!s!

However, funny as that is, it reminds me that I’ve been meaning to post something for quite a while. To cut down on the already overtaxed comment management ability of the software here, I’ve put several frequently-spammed words into a list which basically auto-filters incoming comments. Basically, if a comment contains any of these words, it goes nowhere. It isn’t set aside so I can manage it, it’s just auto-deleted.

effexor, valium, casino, ephedrine, phendimetrazine, bowflex, zoloft, ephedra, cymbalta, zoloft, adderall, refinance, mortgage, rolex, viagra, xanax, phentermine, hoodia, cialis, alprazolam, singulair, adipex, protonix, carisoprodol, diazepam, ativan, vicodin, tramadol, taladafil, xenical, fioricet, hydrocodone, levitra, keno, baccarat, paxil, propecia, butalbital, celexa, albego, acyclovir, tadalafil, wellbutrin, refinancing, oxycodone, percocet

I’m providing this list as a courtesy to my friends, so they know…well…what not to say. I don’t normally go in for censorship of any kind like that, but (A) these show up way too often in spam comments that I delete before you can ever see (so they’re good tools to help weed out spam to a manageable level), and (B) I don’t see these things coming up in casual conversation around here. They’re all words that have appeared in spam comments here before.

Anyway, now you know…and knowing is approximately 47.2% of the battle. (Little known fact: approximately 6% of the battle is post-consumer recycled fibers.)

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Best spam subject line ever:

YOU COULD PUT YOUR DUCK IN MILLIONS OF WOMEN TONIGHT.

…

Uh.

That’s one awfully fast duck. And an awful lot of apparently very cooperative women.

Quack.

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I love this phishing entry from this morning:

Dear $PayPal Inc. user,
This email is to inform you, that we had to block your PayPal Inc. Account access because we had to upgrade our servers in order to remove online fraud.

So it’s that easy now, is it? God, I love technology.

Remove online fraud? (Y/N): Y
Remove spammer from gene pool? (Y/N): Y

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So I got an e-mail the other day, claiming I could win a Nintendo Wii if I answered a few questions - no purchase necessary. I decided to do an experiment. I created a new e-mail account on my server and signed up under a different name for this survey, answered the questions, and was told I could expect notification soon “if I won”.

I then walked away and left that e-mail account for exactly five business days.

I checked the account today. Lo and behold, no frii Wii. But there were about 1600 new messages, all of them spam, some of them get-rich-quick and MLM schemes, and even a small but obvious amount of porn spam.

For anyone even thinking about clicking on one of those tempting offers, just let this be something for you to think on before clicking “Yes! I would like my complimentary walrus polishing kit!”

Now, just for fun, I’m going to go lower the limit on that e-mail account to something like 40 K, and set an autoresponder up. In the meantime, I hope this has opened someone’s eyes.

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