The Whole Ball Of Wax: Kryten saves Cat and Lister from the potentially lethal boredom of listening to Rimmer’s proud reminiscences of Risk games played in his youth by surprising everyone with the invention of the Matter Paddle, a device found in the ship’s labs which can instantaneously transmit the molecules of anyone holding onto it across vast distances. It can also locate the nearest suitable environment for its users. Rather than facing the deadly threat of listening to Rimmer’s stories anymore, everyone elects to find the nearest hospitable planet and do some exploring. Unfortunately, Kryten and Rimmer wind up in a grassy plain being pursued by terribly fake prehistoric monsters. Lister and Cat wind up in the war room of the Third Reich, but even stranger things begin to happen – the worst figures of human history have somehow combined their talents to make things even worse. In the meantime, Rimmer and Kryten have discovered that the same unusual convergence of good and decent historical personalities is taking place, but they’re being wiped out by history’s most hideous. Rimmer sees this as his calling, his destiny, and his chance to put all those Risk skills to valuable use. Unfortunately, for some reason, his army of wax-droids programmed with such personalities as Father Christmas, the Queen Mother, Ghandi, Elvis, Mother Theresa and Noel Coward doesn’t offer much hope of victory – or even surviving long enough to retreat. Lister and Cat escape the clutches of Hitler, Rasputin, and others, only to find themselves captured by another war-crazed megalomaniac: Rimmer. It’s going to take more than brute force to win the war, get the Matter Paddle back from the bad guys and escape, and whatever that is, Arnie’s army probably doesn’t have it…
written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall
Guest Cast: Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Masson (Stan Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe)
LogBook entry by Earl Green
Stardate 44390.1: Data records his observations of an average day in the Enterprise to be relayed to Dr. Bruce Maddox, a Federaton cyberneticist who once expressed an interest in disassembling Data to learn about how the android works, but now is content to let Data reveal that for himself. But as the day progresses, from the nervous, soon-to-be-married couple of Chief O’Brien and Keiko to the transport of a secretive Vulcan ambassador to the Neutral Zone, Data finds out that this isn’t going to be an ordinary day… teleplay by Harold Apter and Ronald D. Moore
