Year: 2003

So, we’re a-goin’ to war. Oh, don’t kid yourself. We are, y’know. I’m iffy on the whole thing myself – one the one hand, I think George W. Bush is pushing mighty hard, and yet he’s also pushing credibility mighty hard in implying that this’ll all be over in just a few months (which, if you read between the lines, translates roughly to “just in time for the 2004 election season”). Does Saddam need to be dealt with? Well, yes. And 12 years ago would have been an excellent time to do so (but that’s a whole other discussion about a whole other Bush wanting to tidy things up before a whole other election year). Do we need to jump-start WWIII to deal with Saddam? Well, it’s starting to look unavoidable.
But as apocalyptic as it all seems, we don’t live in an age entirely devoid of opportunities for a giggle or two.
Earlier this month, the U.S. performed a suspiciously public test of a new high-yield conventional bomb, a 21,000 pound monster called MOAB. It really stands for Massive Ordnance Air Burst, but informally, it also stands for “mother of all bombs.” It also has some Biblical connections, namely to a nation that rather unsuccessfully attacked Israel in the Old Testament. (Uh…what are we saying here, guys?)
Now, with all that in mind, let me ask this of the brass: what the hell kinda Doctor-Evil-meets-the-Man-From-U.N.C.L.E. acronym is that? Come on – that’s right out of a James Bond movie, only funnier. And yet here we are, demonstrating it like it’s show ‘n’ tell day with that goofy acronym. It reminds me far too much of 1960s spy shows and movies, where everything the bad guys come up with has some cool but evil-sounding acronym: SPECTRE for example.
If you ask me, what the government really needs to do is keep this sort of thing under wraps. Easier said than done in this day and age of the Freedom Of Information Act, journalists embedding with troops in the Middle East on the frontline, and damn near everything being on the web. But I have a solution which I now offer free of charge to our Armed Forces. And it will make sure that the press doesn’t blab about the latest weapons, operations or strategies if doing so would provide the enemy with an undue advantage.
It’s really simple – give everything that’s really sensitive a name that can only be shortened to a very obscene acronym. Then the media will never be able to talk about it.
Think about it. If we invented a Super Powerful High Irradiation Nuclear Counter-Terrorist Extreme Retaliator, what would that acronym be? Who in their right minds would put that up on the screen? Or how about the Super High Intensity Tactical Hydrogen Energy Atomic Destructor? Doesn’t make much sense in technical terms, but I’d love to see CNN put that acronym on the air.
To keep the bad guys from pulling anything sneaky, we’ll need a Covert Operations Intelligence Threat-Undermining Systen – and hey, admit it, that’s a James Bond name if ever there was one. We’re talking about the same filmmakers who named a character “Pussy Galore,” after all.
If we can get Saddam to disarm about 90% of the way (sheeeeyah, right!), maybe we could be happy with getting him to sign a Finite Arms Reduction Treaty. And if that doesn’t work, maybe we just need to give him a little Bilateral Limited Operations With Jets Or Boats. Of course, he might not be worth that much effort – maybe we can just launch the Joint Air Command Killing Opposing Fighting Forces project. That way, we avoid the messy “Subjugation Protocol Insurgency Tatics or Submarine With Atomic Limited Load Offensive Warheads” debate. If plenty of Iraqi soldiers surrender or defect, we can turn them back against their former commander with the Basic Underground Tactical Training Featuring Uniforms Containing Khaki strategy. Preferably with little or no Vaseline.
Of course, who’s to say that America has the market cornered on goofy acronyms? Saddam brought us the hilariously scatological-sounding SCUD missiles after all – well, he kept trying to bring them to us last time. I don’t recall too many of them actually reaching their targets. But he may have something else hidden away in his pocket, like a Destructive Incineration Load Delivery Operation. Color me scared.
Hopefully everyone sees the humor in this. I’ll admit, it’s hard to laugh about any of it. Especially when our men and women in uniform are gathering for a little bit of rough-housing in the big sandbox right now. I’m gonna come right out with it, ladies and gents – I don’t care for the guy who sent you there. I didn’t vote for him (or, for that matter, for his primary opponent). I question his dubious decision-making processes (if, indeed, any are actually in use at the moment). But whatever my feelings are about the guy calling the shots, I respect and admire the bravery of our people who are over there to implement a policy that they didn’t come up with themselves. I might protest for peace now, but I also back our troops when they go into action. My protest comes from this perspective: I’d rather you people didn’t have to do any of this so you could be home with your families. But history seems to have other ideas. When the time comes, give ’em hell. And then come home safe.
Reporting live from America’s Super Secret Weapons Intelligence Proliferation Edifice, this is…… Read more

So, over the holidays, did anyone else endure the bizarre Discovery Channel / Animal Planet special The Future Is Wild? According to that little show about the evolution of life on Earth 100-200 million years from now, everything’s going to turn into some kind of squid. Squids on land, squids in the sea, squids for you and squids for me. I kid you not, the whole show really seemed to be steered by unnamed “experts” who have a tentacle fetish.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the production values were amazing – a deceptively slick-looking mix of CGI, live-action, and simple shots of stuff like churning water to suggest the movement of giant squids, all earnestly narrated as though we’re pretty sure that Earth’s ecosystem is, even now, gearing itself toward squid. (And what of humanity? Oh, we ditched this mudball centuries ago, establishing colonies elsewhere, and we sent a probe back, through whose eyes all these multifarious squid-descendants are seen for the purposes of this special. Silly…don’t they know we’re going to evolve into Vorlons or something?)
With that in mind, I have some predictions of my own. Call it an inkling of our squid-filled future, with predictions aplenty of calamari calamity.

In the future, Giant Land-Based Squids will evolve beyond the need to add neon lighting to their cars’ undercarriages and wheel rims.
In the future, Intelligent Tree-Swingin’ Squids will have on-board GPS navigation. And a built-in sun roof.
In the future, Large Island-Sized Sea Squids will be able to extend their own safety railing as needed to ensure the security of their passengers.
In the future, various factions of squids will fight a global holy war in a tragic dispute over whether or not Sigmund the Sea Monster was truly the messiah of squid-dom. Then maybe, after years of suicide ink attacks and pointless squishings, they’ll decide that this is a silly thing to fight over since they’re all stuck on the same little ball of mud in space, and establish peaceful relations conducive to the betterment of all squidkind.

Ah, what the hell am I saying? Their squiddy leaders, in a vainglorious display of ego and power, will probably wipe their populations out too. And perhaps they’ll leave some monument to announce the winners, losers, edited highlights and final score to the next life form that evolves from what’s left, assuming the world isn’t completely sterilized in the wake of their foolishness.
About the time they got to the sixth or seventh iteration of big squishy squid species, I just started chuckling my way through the rest of the show. When they got to the elephant-sized one that traps and eats the young of the tree-swinging squid species (“I’m gonna eat yer baby! Get in my belly!”), I was howling with laughter. This was a show definitely merits the Crow T. Robot / Tom Servo touch.
Late post-script: this would all be much funnier if researchers hadn’t discovered the actual fossil imprint left behind by a real giant squid in Fayetteville, Arkansas, just 80 miles from here, this month. Makes ya wonder, hmmmmm?… Read more