We “Caare” A Lot!

(An introductory note: a co-worker of mine recently booked flights to and from her vacation on American Airlines, and her nice, shiny new itinerary was quickly changed once she’d made her reservations. Most flights from Fort Smith have to connect to another flight at Tulsa, St. Louis or Little Rock, but for her trip back home, my friend’s schedule looked something like this: Providence, RI to Billings, MT to Fort Smith, AR. In truth, they’re only redircting her to Chicago on her way back…but that still seems pretty daft. She sent an e-mail to complain about the changes, and got a positively emotionless form letter in return from American Airlines’ “We Caare” department; the tone of the letter was, in essence, “we realize you could be flying other airlines, but chances are you won’t make the effort to cancel and re-book, so screw you.” My co-worker then asked me to draft a concise, carefully-worded response.)
(BIG mistake.)
Dear Ms. Beaird (did you miss any vowels with that name?),
In response to your lovingly-crafted form letter dated May 29, 2001, I would like to state, just for the record, that just because I paid approximately 50% more for my ticket doesn’t mean that I want to take an additional flight on a third plane. I appreciate the generosity behind this assumption on your part, but my aim is to spend more time on the ground, not hurtling through the air – en route to a needless stopover, I might add – in a pressurized sardine can loaded with big-headed kids whose parents are bereft of even the slightest clue as to how to shut them up and keep them from kicking the back of the seat of the person in front of them.
But I digress. Allow me a moment to stray somewhat closer to the point.
Despite recent advances in fuel emission technology, plus the fact that the airline propaganda writers would have us believe that flying is still the safest way to travel, you may or may not have noticed recent news reports about the rising price of fuel, and the quickly diminishing supply of fossil fuels which keep this planet going around (that whole gravity thing not withstanding). By ushering myself and several other fatigued passengers onto another plane for no readily apparent reason, American Airlines will be directly contributing to the collapse of the economy and the destruction of the world, albeit in a small way.
Additionally, my occupation as the producer of newscasts at (arguably) the most popular television station in western Arkansas will be disrupted, as this additional stopover will relieve me of much-needed time to rest after my trip. If I should happen to come to work without being fully-rested – which will almost certainly be the case according to the new itinerary, as well as the average ratio of the aforementioned back-of-the-seat-kicking, big-headed kids to adult passengers on these flights (another factor which will prevent me from resting during the flight itself) – this could affect my performance on the job, which directly affects how much information our station is able to pass along to the public.
So, in one stroke, you’re not only contributing to the downfall of the world economy and the depletion of our precious natural resources, but you could – in theory, and under some admittedly unique and coincidental circumstances – be inadvertently endangering a quarter of a million people who rely on our newscasts. (I’ll be the first to admit that not all of those quarter of a million viewers are watching our stations; many of them watch two competing newscasts, who leach liberally from our information the moment it hits the air.)
I heartily suggest you rethink the rearrangement of my flight itinerary if you don’t want these unfortunate consequences on your conscience. Thank you very much for your time and consideration in this matter – and by the way, if you need any additional vowels in your surname, you have one A too many in your e-mail address (“wecaare”), so you could conceivably swipe that surplus A and add it to your already increasingly unpronounceable name.