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Red Dwarf Season 04

White Hole

Red DwarfChain of Events: Kryten commits the most heinous, criminal act ever done aboard Red Dwarf – he manages to bring Talkie Toaster, Lister’s mortal bread-heating enemy, back online. Not without reason, though – Kryten thinks it may be possible to use the same repair method to help Holly regain her IQ of 6000 at the cost of reducing her operational lifespan. The procedure works all too well, leaving Holly with a vast wealth of genius and only three minutes in which to use it. To make matters worse, Red Dwarf is nearing a white hole which is emitting time, creating disjointed pockets of events that haven’t happened yet, have already happened, and may not happen at all. Holly’s solution is to plug the white hole up by altering the orbits of a few nearby planets using a nuclear warhead as the cue ball, but Lister insists on making the shot himself.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: David Ross (Talkie Toaster)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 04

Dimension Jump

Red DwarfRecipe For Kippers Vindaloo: In some alternate universe, there exists one Arnold Rimmer – an incredibly nice, well-liked guy with guts, bravado, skill, decency, an actual sex life, and the nickname “Ace.” (Keep in mind, this is an alternate universe we’re talking about here.) Ace signs up to test a new spacecraft developed by the Space Corps which can break the dimension barrier and send him into parallel universes, and winds up slamming right into Starbug, which is carrying Lister and the others to a fishing trip they’re dreading due to the presence of their dimension’s Rimmer. Ace feels it’s the right thing to do to help the Starbug crew out when they crash into the ocean of a nearby planet, and all of them develop an immediate rapport with Ace, with the exception of Rimmer, who’s just pissed off because no one’s ever treated him with the kind of respect and admiration Ace has earned. Ace saves the entire crew and returns to Red Dwarf with them when Cat requires emergency surgery. The “real” Rimmer is determined that either he or Ace has to go. Whether you’ve smoked him a kipper or not, Ace Rimmer is back for breakfast in Emohawk: Polymorph II.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Robert Llewellyn (Bongo), Kalli Greenwood (Mrs. Rimmer), Simon Gaffney (young Rimmer), Hetty Baynes (Cockpit Computer)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 04

Meltdown

Red DwarfThe Whole Ball Of Wax: Kryten saves Cat and Lister from the potentially lethal boredom of listening to Rimmer’s proud reminiscences of Risk games played in his youth by surprising everyone with the invention of the Matter Paddle, a device found in the ship’s labs which can instantaneously transmit the molecules of anyone holding onto it across vast distances. It can also locate the nearest suitable environment for its users. Rather than facing the deadly threat of listening to Rimmer’s stories anymore, everyone elects to find the nearest hospitable planet and do some exploring. Unfortunately, Kryten and Rimmer wind up in a grassy plain being pursued by terribly fake prehistoric monsters. Lister and Cat wind up in the war room of the Third Reich, but even stranger things begin to happen – the worst figures of human history have somehow combined their talents to make things even worse. In the meantime, Rimmer and Kryten have discovered that the same unusual convergence of good and decent historical personalities is taking place, but they’re being wiped out by history’s most hideous. Rimmer sees this as his calling, his destiny, and his chance to put all those Risk skills to valuable use. Unfortunately, for some reason, his army of wax-droids programmed with such personalities as Father Christmas, the Queen Mother, Ghandi, Elvis, Mother Theresa and Noel Coward doesn’t offer much hope of victory – or even surviving long enough to retreat. Lister and Cat escape the clutches of Hitler, Rasputin, and others, only to find themselves captured by another war-crazed megalomaniac: Rimmer. It’s going to take more than brute force to win the war, get the Matter Paddle back from the bad guys and escape, and whatever that is, Arnie’s army probably doesn’t have it…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Masson (Stan Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 05

Holoship

Red DwarfOut and about in Starbug, the gang encounters a huge hologrammatic starship crewed by only the best and brightest holograms Space Corps has to offer. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in love. After a one-man boarding party from the holoship assesses that the rest of the Red Dwarf crew are useless, Rimmer is snatched away. Deciding that he too is among the best and brightest, Rimmer petitions for a berth aboard the holoship, an honor that will only be bestowed if he proves himself more useful than another member of the hologrammatic crew. Rimmer also meets a female member of that crew, whose members are accustomed to constant, commitment-free, meaningless, on-demand sex. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in love. Unfortunately, it is this very woman who he must challenge for a position – no pun intended – on the ship of his dreams. And she’s willing to give anything up so Rimmer can achieve his lifelong ambition to be a useful member of somebody’s crew. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in deep smegola when it comes time to make his decision.

Season 5 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Jane Horrocks (Nirvanah Crane), Matthew Marsh (Captain Platini), Don Warrington (Commander Binks), Lucy Briers (Harrison), Simon Day (Number Two), Jane Montgomery (Number One)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 05

The Inquisitor

Red DwarfIn deep space, control of Starbug is wrested from the gang by the Inquisitor, a deranged simulant who has taken it upon itself to remove those it considers worthless from the universe and replace them with someone who could’ve made more of life. The Inquisitor confronts them aboard Red Dwarf, forcing each to justify his existence. Rimmer complains that he’s lucky to have achieved his esteemed status as a corpse-turned-hologram considering his background. Cat insists that his posterior is a work of art and that it’d be cruel to deny the universe of it. Kryten insists that he has behaved as he was programmed but wanted to be much more, and Lister tells the Inquisitor to spin on it. The latter two are selected to be removed from existence itself.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: John Docherty (Inquisitor), Jake Abraham (Second Lister), James Cormack (Thomas Allman)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 05

Terrorform

Red DwarfRimmer and Kryten, who have taken a Starbug out to do a bit of moon-hopping, have crash-landed on a psi-moon, a self-terraforming world which reconfigures itself to conform to its inhabitants’ psyches. Since Rimmer has become the only living being on the psi-moon, it has uprooted its surface and turned into the hopeless living hell that is Rimmer’s miserable personality. Kryten detaches one of his mechanoid hands and sends it to Red Dwarf to get help. Lister and Cat manage to repair Kryten and set out to find Rimmer. They discover that his persecution complex has manifested itself in an insulting, abusive creature which is about to torture Rimmer just when he is rescued. Returning to the Starbug, they discover that their escape is entirely dependent on how much of a boost they can give to Rimmer’s ego. The guys face their most horrific challenge ever – they must look Arnold J. Rimmer in the eye and tell him they care about him…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Sara Stockenbridge (Handmaiden), Francine Walker-Lee (Handmaiden)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 05

Quarantine

Red DwarfThe guys take Starbug to search for Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom, a brilliant doctor whose hologram may still be functioning aboard her old ship. Rimmer is dismayed at the prospect of recruiting Lanstrom since only one hologram can operate aboard Red Dwarf or Starbug at a time. As it turns out, his fears are complete unfounded since Lanstrom turns out to be infected with a program corruption called a “holo-virus,” and has not only gone murderously mad but has also developed telekinesis and various other deadly powers. Luckily for Lister, Cat and Kryten, the holo-virus runs its course and destroys Lanstrom, but she has already managed to transmit it to Rimmer. Rimmer confines the others to quarantine when they return to Red Dwarf, and begins to develop the same hideous abilities as Lanstrom. If Lister, Cat and Kryten can avoid strangling each other while facing the prospects of months of isolation, they might be able to save Rimmer…as if anyone would want to.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Grant Naylor
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Maggie Steed (Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom), Mr. Flibble (himself)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 05

Demons & Angels

Red DwarfKryten and Lister are experimenting with the triplicator, a device Kryten has adapted from the Matter Paddle which can produce two copies of any object; in this case, they’re trying it out with strawberries, and the device works perfectly, though it somehow produces one divine and wholesome copy of the strawberry and another teeming with maggots and nastiness (which Lister discovers by biting into it). Kryten tries to reverse the process, and before anyone can sing “Strawberry Fields Forever,” the drive room is bursting with explosions and the gang has to beat a hasty retreat to Starbug just in case Red Dwarf explodes…which, rather less than surprisingly, it does soon after Starbug escapes. But, to make up for the predictability of that, the law of averages takes a snooze as Kryten spots two copies of Red Dwarf nearby – which, since he theorizes they were created by a freak field reversal in the triplicator, will be a divine, idealized Red Dwarf, and the other will be, as Lister puts it, “fish bait.” Seeking help from the idealized Red Dwarf, they find four individuals who spend their time in pursuit of higher truths and ideologies and spiritual fulfillment. When the “low” Red Dwarf sends out a mayday, our heroes and their “higher” counterparts set out to render assistance, only to find a trap set by four bloodthirsty, murderous individuals aboard a grungy garbage scow of a ship. If they can survive their “low” selves, the guys may be able to combine the two and recreate their own Red Dwarf.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May and Grant Naylor
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

Original Title: High & Low

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 05

Back To Reality

Red DwarfExamining the submerged wreckage of the seeding ship Esperanto, Lister, Kryten and Cat discover that every form of life they find has committed suicide for reasons unknown. Upon the discovery of a venom with hallucinogenic properties, they start high-tailing it back to Starbug, unaware that the enormous, New-Mexico-sized squid from which this rather disgusting substance emerged is heading for Starbug even faster than they are. Trying to run for it, they are caught in a huge blast of the venom and Starbug crashes into the ocean floor. When they come to, the guys find that they’ve been playing a virtual reality game called “Red Dwarf” for the past four years, and they aren’t who they thought they were. Kryten is a cybernetic traffic cop named Jake Bullet; the Cat is Duane Dibbley, a completely uncool individual with no style, grace or dress sense, and an overbite that could eclipse most stars; Rimmer turns out to be the non-hologrammatic bum Billy Doyle; and Lister is revealed to be small-time fascist dictator Sebastian Doyle – Billy’s half brother. Things in the real world aren’t what they expected, and before they know it, our heroes Jake, Duane, Billy and Sebastian wish they were back on Red Dwarf. Since that option seems to be out of the question at the moment, they decide that suicide is comparitively painless.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Grant Naylor
SSS Esperanto scenes directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Timothy Spall (Andy), Lenny Von Dohlen (Cop), Anastasia Hille (New Kochanski), Marie McCarthy (Nurse), John Sharian (New Lister)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 06

Psirens

Red DwarfLister awakens after 500 years of hibernation, finding himself aboard Starbug with Cat and Kryten. Rimmer is rebooted, and Kryten brings everyone up to speed on events. Red Dwarf has been hijacked by an unknown party while Lister and the others were on board Starbug. Since the larger ship is now circumnavigating a large asteroid belt, the more maneuverable Starbug has an opportunity to hazard a journey through the asteroids and head Red Dwarf off at the pass. Upon entering the belt, Starbug enters a graveyard of ships. A scouter survey of one of the dead ships reveals a black box recording of a surviving astronaut being killed by a horrifying insect creature known as a Psiren – similar to a GELF, but instead of changing its shape to please those nearby, Psirens change shape to seduce their prey and then suck their brains out with metal straws. Granted, this may please somebody, but you’d have to be really deranged, or an extremist in the field of accupuncture. The Psirens try every tactic to snare individual members of the crew, and one Psiren manages to stow away aboard Starbug, where the crew are trapped with it…

Season 6 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Jenny Agutter (Professor Mamet), Samantha Robson (Pete Tranter’s Sister), Anita Dobson (Captain Tau), Richard Ridings (Crazed Astro), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski), Zoe Hilson (Temptress), Elizabeth Anson (Temptress)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 06

Legion

Red DwarfStarbug’s supply situation is getting desperate, leaving Lister to dine on grilled space weevil (though he doesn’t know what incredibly unthinkable morsel Kryten has prepared for him), when Cat sounds a swirly thing alert based upon his nasal instincts. Rimmer orders this alert replaced by the only slightly more formal blue alert, and the intruding object Cat sensed finally appears – a heat-seeking device which envelops Starbug in an energy field and drags it into a huge, amazingly advanced space station which Kryten discovers is a top-secret research facility. A strange being – half organic, half mechanical – greets them by name, bestowing numerous gifts: hospitality, a feast, an impromptu appendectomy for Lister, and a hard light system for Rimmer, allowing him to touch objects. Legion does, however, set one condition upon his guests: they can never leave his station, for Legion depends on them for his own existence.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Nigel Williams (Legion)

Original Title: Call Me Legion

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 06

Gunmen of the Apocalypse

Red DwarfStarbug has wandered into a rogue simulant hunting zone, where a gigantic warship confronts the crew and demands assurances that there are no human vermin aboard. Despite Lister’s attempt to bluff his way past the simulants by passing himself off as an ambassador of the Vindaloo Empire, the simulants board Starbug. Knocking the crew out for three weeks, they also install more advanced weaponry so the Starbug crew can put up a fight for the simulants’ amusement. But to the killer mechanoids’ surprise, the Starbug crew decide to attack the simulant warship. The simulants, their ship heavily damaged, fire the Armageddon Virus at Starbug which locks the ship’s course on collision with a nearby planet and then renders all systems inoperative. Kryten links into Starbug’s computers to absorb the virus but winds up incapacitated. With minutes to spare before crashing into the planet ahead, the others try to help Kryten by linking into his mind with a virtual reality of the wild west.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Red DwarfGuest Cast: Jennifer Calvert (Loretta), Denis Lill (Simulant Captain/Death), Liz Hickling (Simulant Lieutenant), Imogen Bain (Lola), Steve Devereaux (Jimmy), Robert Inch (War), Jeremy Peters (Pestilence), Dinny Powell (Famine), Stephen Marcus (Bear Strangler McGee)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 06

Emohawk: Polymorph II

Red DwarfStarbug is hunted by a Space Corps robot law enforcement vessel, and after taking several shots from the drone, Starbug is forced to land in the ocean in an attempt to put out uncontrollable fires. Unfortunately, Starbug has landed on a planet populated by hideous GELFs, and the ship’s oxy-generation unit is damaged beyond repair. As luck would have it, though, the leader of the local GELF tribe happens to have such a unit handy, and is willing to trade with the Starbug crew. But what he wants in exchange for the OG unit is a husband for the loveliest of his three horrifically hairy daughters, an honor he decides Lister is worthy of. Lister is persuaded to agree to marry the flea-ridden beauty, and the OG unit is given to Kryten. But when Lister runs for his life to escape his honeymoon, the tribal leader sends his pet polymorph after the Starbug crew – and only the combined talents of Duane Dibbley and “Ace” Rimmer can set things right!

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Hugh Quarshie (Computer), Martin Sims (GELF), Ainsley Harriot (GELF Chief), Steven Wickham (GELF Bride)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 06

Rimmerworld

Red DwarfStarbug returns to the rogue simulant warship it fought before, from which Lister plans to raid the cargo bays for food. One of the simulants turns out to have survived the previous encounter with Starbug, and it isn’t happy. Any exchange of fire on the simulant ship will bring the interior crashing down on anyone inside. For a moment, it looks as though Rimmer might actually attempt a daring attack on the simulant from behind, but in reality he’s just sneaking over to an escape pod, whose launch destabilizes the ship. The others scramble back to Starbug and escape, but they’re unable to catch up with Rimmer’s escape pod as it tumbles into a wormhole. Due to relativistic time dilation, by the time Starbug catches up with Rimmer, 600 years will have passed for him. In that time, he will found a new society all his own…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Liz Hickling (Rogue Simulant)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

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Red Dwarf Season 06

Out Of Time

Red DwarfAll trace of Red Dwarf has been lost. In the meantime, Starbug has wandered into a stellar fog concealing a reality minefield, which is itself defending something deep within the center of the fog. After stumbling through a number of unreality pockets, they reach the center of the minefield and find a derelict 28th century spaceship capable of time travel. They steal the time drive and install it in Starbug. Not long after, they are contacted by another spacecraft – another Starbug, this one from the distant future, occupied by the gang in their later years, when they have been using the time drive for decades to live the high life, but their time drive has broken down and they want the present Starbug’s time drive. And they’re willing to engage their past selves in mortal combat to get it.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

Original Title: Present From The Future

LogBook entry by Earl Green