Thanks For The Memory

Red DwarfA Quick Reminder: It’s Rimmer’s deathday, which Lister, Holly and the Cat are probably celebrating more elaborately than they would be if it were his birthday. They all get well pissed, but even the worst hangover doesn’t account for how they wake up the next morning – Lister and Cat each have one foot in a cast, Rimmer remembers confessing in a drunken stupor to Lister that he’s only had sex once with something that wasn’t inflatible, there are gaps in Holly’s memory, and worst of all, someone’s finished the puzzle that Lister had been trying to finish. Naturally, the ship’s black box recorder would have the information they’re after, but even this has gone missing, at least until it is found buried on a nearby moon. When they find out just what has happened, Rimmer and Lister wish they could just forget all about it…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Sabra Williams (Lise Yates)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Stasis Leak

Red DwarfContents Of Rimmer’s Diary: After Lister discovers an unusual entry in the diary of the late Arnold J. Rimmer, a stasis leak is discovered on Red Dwarf which allows the guys to visit the past only a few weeks before the accident that killed the ship’s entire crew. The catch – they can’t bring anything or anyone back with them, since the time differential will reduce that person or object to a pile of albino mouse droppings. Lister and Rimmer each embark on a quest to convince someone from the past to go into stasis and thus join them in the future – Lister, of course, tries to find Kochanski. Rimmer also tries to deliver the message to the person he cares about most: himself. But they discover that smegging about with time can have truly bizarre results.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Morwenna Banks (The Lift Hostess), Sophie Doherty (Kochanski’s Roommate), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski), Richard Hainsworth (The Medical Orderly), Tony Hawks (The Suitcase), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Mark Williams (Petersen)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Queeg

Red DwarfDamage Report From The Damaged Damage Report Machine: Holly kicks off a banner day in Red Dwarf history by neglecting to tell anyone that there’s a meteor about to collide with the ship. The resulting collision manages to nearly destroy the hologram simulation suite, sending various parts of Rimmer’s mind and body off in different directions simultaneously, and Lister nearly gets electrocuted trying to fix it. When they return to the drive room, a new face appears on the screen – Queeg 500, Red Dwarf’s backup computer, a supposedly more efficient system with all the caring concern of a drill sergeant. Queeg ousts Holly from the main computer and takes control.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Charles Augins (Queeg)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Parallel Universe

Red DwarfPreface From “How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis”: Saving Lister from further discussion of Rimmer’s maladjusted view of women, Holly announces the invention of the Holly Hop Drive, which can instantaneously transport Red Dwarf across vast reaches of space, at least in theory. When Lister activates the Hop Drive, Red Dwarf winds up in another dimension parallel to Red Dwarf’s, but different – the roles of men and women are reversed, and Lister, Rimmer and Cat run into another Red Dwarf, occupied by a female Rimmer, a female Lister, a female computer named Hilly, and a creature that evolved from the ship’s dog. Rimmer is confronted with his sexist alter-ego who keeps trying to pick him up by hypnosis, and Lister winds up in bed with himself – in a more literal way than usual – and has to contend with getting pregnant.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Suzanne Bertish (Rimmer), Angela Bruce (Lister), Matthew Devitt (Dog), Hattie Hayridge (Hilly)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Backwards

Red DwarfWhilst giving Kryten flight lessons in the Starbug vehicle, Rimmer and the hapless mechanoid wind up diving into some kind of time and dimension warp, arriving in a strangely different late 20th-century Earth. On this Earth, everything moves backwards – and Rimmer and Kryten are forced to use the novelty of being “forward” to land a job at a nightclub. Lister and Cat manage to track the others down, only to find by now that they’ve actually gotten to like the idea of watching ancient history unfold…or as the case may be, watching it fold.

Season 3 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Maria Friedman (Waitress), Tony Hawks (Compere), Anna Palmer (Customer in Cafe), Arthur Smith (Pub Manager)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Marooned

Red DwarfHolly thinks she’s spotted five black holes, and the guys split up and evacuate Red Dwarf in case it’s not small enough to escape the black holes’ gravity. Lister and Rimmer set out in Starbug, while Kryten and Cat depart aboard Blue Midget. En route, Starbug crashes onto an icy moon, and it’s unlikely to be found before the meager supplies on board are gone. Faced with the grave choice of eating either a pot noodle or dog food to survive, Lister begins to lose hope and body heat. He asks Rimmer to sacrifice some of his worldly goods to serve as firewood – and Rimmer, naturally, refuses. Lister therefore sacrifices some of Rimmer’s worldly goods anyway.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Polymorph

Red DwarfA spacecraft tumbles through space adrfit, its cargo of highly dangerous life forms having escaped. The genetic mutant that has freed itself seeks out the mentally unstable and the flat-out-neurotic, so naturally it homes in on Red Dwarf in short order. It changes its shape to hide and then to paralyze its victims with fear while it drains their negative emotions. It manages to infiltrate Lister’s dinner, but it then induces paralyzing fear by turning into a monster which fits the rough identikit picture of Lister’s worst nightmare, and drains all the fear from him. Rimmer, Cat and Kryten, after subduing the now-fearless Lister, set out after the creature, but it manages to snare each of them, removing Kryten’s politeness, Cat’s sense of style, and Rimmer’s aggressiveness. Lister is left in a state of suicidal kamikaze bravado; Kryten is a tactless, insulting jerk; Cat has changed into some comfortable rags and gotten well sloshed; and Rimmer wants to try to negotiate with the alien, or, failing that, launch a ship-wide campaign to non-violently protest its presence.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Frances Barber (Genny), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Kalli Greenwood (Mrs. Rimmer)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Bodyswap

Red DwarfA malfunctioning skutter starts rewiring Red Dwarf, resulting in a malfunctioning everything, including the self-destruct system which could be connected to anything by now. As it so happens, the destruct system starts counting down when Lister orders a candy bar from the vending machine. Using a “mind swap” to load the personality of one of the ship’s long-dead senior officers doesn’t work, which is just as well – the destruct system countdown was activated by the vending machine, but not the explosive device itself. Rimmer later gets the idea of using the same procedure – the one with the mind swap, not the bomb – so he could occupy a physical form for a brief period, promising to get Lister’s body into shape before returning it to its rightful owner. As it turns out, Rimmer has been missing all the excesses of the flesh that holograms don’t get to enjoy, and when Lister demands his body back, Rimmer isn’t quite ready to return it.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Timeslides

Red DwarfLister is approaching suicidal levels of depression and boredom with his life aboard Red Dwarf, venting his loathing for life upon Cat and Rimmer. Meanwhile, in the ship’s photo lab, Kryten is developing photos of a party aboard the Nova 5 when he finds that they have sprung into motion. Repeating the same experiment with other pictures, he finds that the lab’s developing fluid has mutated over three million years, and can now bring photos to life. He then uses a slide projector to create life-size pictures that anyone can walk into, interacting with the subjects of photos from any era of history. Lister decides to go back and visit himself as a dismal rock-star-wannabe teenager, taking with him a sample of one of the future’s most profitable inventions – a Tension Sheet (a square of air-bubble packing material painted red with “Tension Sheet” written on it) – in the hopes he can pry his junior self away from “the Om song” long enough to get him to register the Tension Sheet as his own invention and get rich. When Lister disappears, it becomes apparent that he has changed his own future and become a millionaire who never signed aboard Red Dwarf. But Lister’s non-existence also erases the Cat and Kryten from the present, and Rimmer is left with Holly. Rimmer decides that it is his duty as a complete and utter bastard to set history to rights, unaware that this will bring his greatest wish to fruition – Rimmer will once again occupy a tangible body!

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Robert Addie (Gilbert), Rupert Bates (Bodyguard), Richard Hainsworth (Bodyguard), Emile Charles (young Lister), Simon Gaffney (young Rimmer), Stephen McKintosh (Thicky Holden), Louisa Ruthven (Ski Woman), Koo Stark (Lady Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones), Mark Steel (Ski Man), Ruby Wax (American Presenter), Adolf Hitler (himself)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

The Last Day

Red DwarfA letter arrives from DivaDroid announcing that the latest model of mechanoid will be on its way to replace Kryten, who is expected to shut down and dismantle himself. Lister tries in vain to get Kryten to rebel against this instruction, but Kryten seems perfectly happy and assured of his place in Silicon Heaven. In honor of Kryten’s last day online, Lister and the guys throw him the wildest party they can manage on short notice and all parties get thoroughly pissed. The only problem is that, if Kryten hasn’t been shut down before his replacement arrives, his replacement will shut him down in any manner it chooses. The fact that the new mechanoid has gone completely insane over the millennia doesn’t help out much either.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Robert Llewellyn (Jim Reaper), Julie Higginson (Girl Android), Gordon Kennedy (Hudzen)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Camille

Red DwarfThe Old, Old Story: Lister tries once again to teach Kryten to rebel, with only momentary success, though it is promising. Kryten pilots Starbug as he and Rimmer go exploring. When a distress call arrives from someone on a doomed planet, Rimmer decides it’s too dangerous to investigate, but Kryten thinks better of it – and why not, he reflects, when Rimmer’s such a smee heee? Kryten finds a female mechanoid in a grounded spacecraft, and he’s instantly ass-over-nipple-nuts in love. Curiously, when Kryten brings Camille back to Starbug (which she warns him not to do), Rimmer sees a beautiful hologram who can actually stand to be stuck in the same ship with him. Naturally, when Camille is introduced to Lister on Red Dwarf, he sees Kochanski. Cat also sees Camille as a life form with the sexiest body he can imagine – his own. Camille is a pleasure GELF, a genetically engineered life-form who changes its form to please its users, and expects to earn the crew’s scorn. Kryten decides to still be Camille’s friend, despite her true amorphous appearance.

Season 4 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Judy Pascoe (Mechanoid Camille), Francesca Folan (Hologram Camille), Suzanne Rhatigan (Kochanski Camille), Rupert Bates (Hector Blob)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

D.N.A.

Red DwarfGenetic Profile: At long last, the guys finally encounter a real live alien ship – or a ship from Earth that’s advanced enough to be alien. The skeletal remains of one otherwise human-looking crew member has two hideous bird-like heads. Lister and Cat find a strange control room, the controls of which Cat immediately takes it upon himself to play with. This has some nasty consequences when the room turns out to be a device for resequencing DNA, and it turns Lister into a hamster, and then a chicken. Kryten and Rimmer arrive to help, and Kryten figures out how to return Lister to human form. Krtyen is then accidentally turned into a human himself, his greatest wish. Rimmer starts trying to find some cells of his dead body aboard Red Dwarf so he can reclone a body for himself, while Lister is having to explain every little detail of human lifestyles to Kryten, including why the rectal recharge socket doesn’t work, and why one should never get a double Polaroid over an electrical appliance. In testing the DNA resequencer before running Kryten through it, Lister’s mutton vindaloo is transformed into a mutant vindaloo big enough to eat anyone who’s ever eaten any form of curry…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Richard Ridings (D.N.A. Computer voice)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Justice

Red DwarfThe Sentence: Lister, whose head has been embarassingly enlarged by a bad case of space mumps, wonders why Cat and Rimmer haven’t been round to see him, when Kryten inadvertently tells him about the escape pod that the ship has picked up, which contains either a security guard or an inmate of a spaceborne prison whose residents revolted against their keepers, and Rimmer starts the pod’s cryogenic thawing process in the off-chance that the vehicle contains a friendly human female, which, as it turns out, it doesn’t, although Lister and the others don’t realize this as they’ve gotten underway to the aforementioned penal station just in case their new passenger turns out to be a homicidal maniac, though they’re not counting on the station’s Justice Computer which metes out punishment appropriate to the crimes it discovers in its subjects’ memories after a mind scan, and this is certainly bad news for Rimmer, who is sentenced to life behind bars for the disregard of safety regulations that led to the death of the entire crew of Red Dwarf, but Kryten manages to plead Rimmer’s case to the Justice Computer and gains Rimmer’s freedom so they can all head back to the Starbug, which, in case you forgot, is where they left an escape pod to thaw out, which it has done, releasing a crazed homicidal simulant in the process.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Nicholas Ball (The Simulant), James Smillie (Justice Computer voice)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

White Hole

Red DwarfChain of Events: Kryten commits the most heinous, criminal act ever done aboard Red Dwarf – he manages to bring Talkie Toaster, Lister’s mortal bread-heating enemy, back online. Not without reason, though – Kryten thinks it may be possible to use the same repair method to help Holly regain her IQ of 6000 at the cost of reducing her operational lifespan. The procedure works all too well, leaving Holly with a vast wealth of genius and only three minutes in which to use it. To make matters worse, Red Dwarf is nearing a white hole which is emitting time, creating disjointed pockets of events that haven’t happened yet, have already happened, and may not happen at all. Holly’s solution is to plug the white hole up by altering the orbits of a few nearby planets using a nuclear warhead as the cue ball, but Lister insists on making the shot himself.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: David Ross (Talkie Toaster)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Dimension Jump

Red DwarfRecipe For Kippers Vindaloo: In some alternate universe, there exists one Arnold Rimmer – an incredibly nice, well-liked guy with guts, bravado, skill, decency, an actual sex life, and the nickname “Ace.” (Keep in mind, this is an alternate universe we’re talking about here.) Ace signs up to test a new spacecraft developed by the Space Corps which can break the dimension barrier and send him into parallel universes, and winds up slamming right into Starbug, which is carrying Lister and the others to a fishing trip they’re dreading due to the presence of their dimension’s Rimmer. Ace feels it’s the right thing to do to help the Starbug crew out when they crash into the ocean of a nearby planet, and all of them develop an immediate rapport with Ace, with the exception of Rimmer, who’s just pissed off because no one’s ever treated him with the kind of respect and admiration Ace has earned. Ace saves the entire crew and returns to Red Dwarf with them when Cat requires emergency surgery. The “real” Rimmer is determined that either he or Ace has to go. Whether you’ve smoked him a kipper or not, Ace Rimmer is back for breakfast in Emohawk: Polymorph II.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Robert Llewellyn (Bongo), Kalli Greenwood (Mrs. Rimmer), Simon Gaffney (young Rimmer), Hetty Baynes (Cockpit Computer)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Meltdown

Red DwarfThe Whole Ball Of Wax: Kryten saves Cat and Lister from the potentially lethal boredom of listening to Rimmer’s proud reminiscences of Risk games played in his youth by surprising everyone with the invention of the Matter Paddle, a device found in the ship’s labs which can instantaneously transmit the molecules of anyone holding onto it across vast distances. It can also locate the nearest suitable environment for its users. Rather than facing the deadly threat of listening to Rimmer’s stories anymore, everyone elects to find the nearest hospitable planet and do some exploring. Unfortunately, Kryten and Rimmer wind up in a grassy plain being pursued by terribly fake prehistoric monsters. Lister and Cat wind up in the war room of the Third Reich, but even stranger things begin to happen – the worst figures of human history have somehow combined their talents to make things even worse. In the meantime, Rimmer and Kryten have discovered that the same unusual convergence of good and decent historical personalities is taking place, but they’re being wiped out by history’s most hideous. Rimmer sees this as his calling, his destiny, and his chance to put all those Risk skills to valuable use. Unfortunately, for some reason, his army of wax-droids programmed with such personalities as Father Christmas, the Queen Mother, Ghandi, Elvis, Mother Theresa and Noel Coward doesn’t offer much hope of victory – or even surviving long enough to retreat. Lister and Cat escape the clutches of Hitler, Rasputin, and others, only to find themselves captured by another war-crazed megalomaniac: Rimmer. It’s going to take more than brute force to win the war, get the Matter Paddle back from the bad guys and escape, and whatever that is, Arnie’s army probably doesn’t have it…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Masson (Stan Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Holoship

Red DwarfOut and about in Starbug, the gang encounters a huge hologrammatic starship crewed by only the best and brightest holograms Space Corps has to offer. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in love. After a one-man boarding party from the holoship assesses that the rest of the Red Dwarf crew are useless, Rimmer is snatched away. Deciding that he too is among the best and brightest, Rimmer petitions for a berth aboard the holoship, an honor that will only be bestowed if he proves himself more useful than another member of the hologrammatic crew. Rimmer also meets a female member of that crew, whose members are accustomed to constant, commitment-free, meaningless, on-demand sex. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in love. Unfortunately, it is this very woman who he must challenge for a position – no pun intended – on the ship of his dreams. And she’s willing to give anything up so Rimmer can achieve his lifelong ambition to be a useful member of somebody’s crew. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in deep smegola when it comes time to make his decision.

Season 5 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Jane Horrocks (Nirvanah Crane), Matthew Marsh (Captain Platini), Don Warrington (Commander Binks), Lucy Briers (Harrison), Simon Day (Number Two), Jane Montgomery (Number One)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

The Inquisitor

Red DwarfIn deep space, control of Starbug is wrested from the gang by the Inquisitor, a deranged simulant who has taken it upon itself to remove those it considers worthless from the universe and replace them with someone who could’ve made more of life. The Inquisitor confronts them aboard Red Dwarf, forcing each to justify his existence. Rimmer complains that he’s lucky to have achieved his esteemed status as a corpse-turned-hologram considering his background. Cat insists that his posterior is a work of art and that it’d be cruel to deny the universe of it. Kryten insists that he has behaved as he was programmed but wanted to be much more, and Lister tells the Inquisitor to spin on it. The latter two are selected to be removed from existence itself.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: John Docherty (Inquisitor), Jake Abraham (Second Lister), James Cormack (Thomas Allman)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Terrorform

Red DwarfRimmer and Kryten, who have taken a Starbug out to do a bit of moon-hopping, have crash-landed on a psi-moon, a self-terraforming world which reconfigures itself to conform to its inhabitants’ psyches. Since Rimmer has become the only living being on the psi-moon, it has uprooted its surface and turned into the hopeless living hell that is Rimmer’s miserable personality. Kryten detaches one of his mechanoid hands and sends it to Red Dwarf to get help. Lister and Cat manage to repair Kryten and set out to find Rimmer. They discover that his persecution complex has manifested itself in an insulting, abusive creature which is about to torture Rimmer just when he is rescued. Returning to the Starbug, they discover that their escape is entirely dependent on how much of a boost they can give to Rimmer’s ego. The guys face their most horrific challenge ever – they must look Arnold J. Rimmer in the eye and tell him they care about him…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Sara Stockenbridge (Handmaiden), Francine Walker-Lee (Handmaiden)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Quarantine

Red DwarfThe guys take Starbug to search for Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom, a brilliant doctor whose hologram may still be functioning aboard her old ship. Rimmer is dismayed at the prospect of recruiting Lanstrom since only one hologram can operate aboard Red Dwarf or Starbug at a time. As it turns out, his fears are complete unfounded since Lanstrom turns out to be infected with a program corruption called a “holo-virus,” and has not only gone murderously mad but has also developed telekinesis and various other deadly powers. Luckily for Lister, Cat and Kryten, the holo-virus runs its course and destroys Lanstrom, but she has already managed to transmit it to Rimmer. Rimmer confines the others to quarantine when they return to Red Dwarf, and begins to develop the same hideous abilities as Lanstrom. If Lister, Cat and Kryten can avoid strangling each other while facing the prospects of months of isolation, they might be able to save Rimmer…as if anyone would want to.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Grant Naylor
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Maggie Steed (Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom), Mr. Flibble (himself)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Demons & Angels

Red DwarfKryten and Lister are experimenting with the triplicator, a device Kryten has adapted from the Matter Paddle which can produce two copies of any object; in this case, they’re trying it out with strawberries, and the device works perfectly, though it somehow produces one divine and wholesome copy of the strawberry and another teeming with maggots and nastiness (which Lister discovers by biting into it). Kryten tries to reverse the process, and before anyone can sing “Strawberry Fields Forever,” the drive room is bursting with explosions and the gang has to beat a hasty retreat to Starbug just in case Red Dwarf explodes…which, rather less than surprisingly, it does soon after Starbug escapes. But, to make up for the predictability of that, the law of averages takes a snooze as Kryten spots two copies of Red Dwarf nearby – which, since he theorizes they were created by a freak field reversal in the triplicator, will be a divine, idealized Red Dwarf, and the other will be, as Lister puts it, “fish bait.” Seeking help from the idealized Red Dwarf, they find four individuals who spend their time in pursuit of higher truths and ideologies and spiritual fulfillment. When the “low” Red Dwarf sends out a mayday, our heroes and their “higher” counterparts set out to render assistance, only to find a trap set by four bloodthirsty, murderous individuals aboard a grungy garbage scow of a ship. If they can survive their “low” selves, the guys may be able to combine the two and recreate their own Red Dwarf.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May and Grant Naylor
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

Original Title: High & Low

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Back To Reality

Red DwarfExamining the submerged wreckage of the seeding ship Esperanto, Lister, Kryten and Cat discover that every form of life they find has committed suicide for reasons unknown. Upon the discovery of a venom with hallucinogenic properties, they start high-tailing it back to Starbug, unaware that the enormous, New-Mexico-sized squid from which this rather disgusting substance emerged is heading for Starbug even faster than they are. Trying to run for it, they are caught in a huge blast of the venom and Starbug crashes into the ocean floor. When they come to, the guys find that they’ve been playing a virtual reality game called “Red Dwarf” for the past four years, and they aren’t who they thought they were. Kryten is a cybernetic traffic cop named Jake Bullet; the Cat is Duane Dibbley, a completely uncool individual with no style, grace or dress sense, and an overbite that could eclipse most stars; Rimmer turns out to be the non-hologrammatic bum Billy Doyle; and Lister is revealed to be small-time fascist dictator Sebastian Doyle – Billy’s half brother. Things in the real world aren’t what they expected, and before they know it, our heroes Jake, Duane, Billy and Sebastian wish they were back on Red Dwarf. Since that option seems to be out of the question at the moment, they decide that suicide is comparitively painless.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Grant Naylor
SSS Esperanto scenes directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Timothy Spall (Andy), Lenny Von Dohlen (Cop), Anastasia Hille (New Kochanski), Marie McCarthy (Nurse), John Sharian (New Lister)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Psirens

Red DwarfLister awakens after 500 years of hibernation, finding himself aboard Starbug with Cat and Kryten. Rimmer is rebooted, and Kryten brings everyone up to speed on events. Red Dwarf has been hijacked by an unknown party while Lister and the others were on board Starbug. Since the larger ship is now circumnavigating a large asteroid belt, the more maneuverable Starbug has an opportunity to hazard a journey through the asteroids and head Red Dwarf off at the pass. Upon entering the belt, Starbug enters a graveyard of ships. A scouter survey of one of the dead ships reveals a black box recording of a surviving astronaut being killed by a horrifying insect creature known as a Psiren – similar to a GELF, but instead of changing its shape to please those nearby, Psirens change shape to seduce their prey and then suck their brains out with metal straws. Granted, this may please somebody, but you’d have to be really deranged, or an extremist in the field of accupuncture. The Psirens try every tactic to snare individual members of the crew, and one Psiren manages to stow away aboard Starbug, where the crew are trapped with it…

Season 6 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Jenny Agutter (Professor Mamet), Samantha Robson (Pete Tranter’s Sister), Anita Dobson (Captain Tau), Richard Ridings (Crazed Astro), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski), Zoe Hilson (Temptress), Elizabeth Anson (Temptress)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Legion

Red DwarfStarbug’s supply situation is getting desperate, leaving Lister to dine on grilled space weevil (though he doesn’t know what incredibly unthinkable morsel Kryten has prepared for him), when Cat sounds a swirly thing alert based upon his nasal instincts. Rimmer orders this alert replaced by the only slightly more formal blue alert, and the intruding object Cat sensed finally appears – a heat-seeking device which envelops Starbug in an energy field and drags it into a huge, amazingly advanced space station which Kryten discovers is a top-secret research facility. A strange being – half organic, half mechanical – greets them by name, bestowing numerous gifts: hospitality, a feast, an impromptu appendectomy for Lister, and a hard light system for Rimmer, allowing him to touch objects. Legion does, however, set one condition upon his guests: they can never leave his station, for Legion depends on them for his own existence.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Nigel Williams (Legion)

Original Title: Call Me Legion

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Gunmen of the Apocalypse

Red DwarfStarbug has wandered into a rogue simulant hunting zone, where a gigantic warship confronts the crew and demands assurances that there are no human vermin aboard. Despite Lister’s attempt to bluff his way past the simulants by passing himself off as an ambassador of the Vindaloo Empire, the simulants board Starbug. Knocking the crew out for three weeks, they also install more advanced weaponry so the Starbug crew can put up a fight for the simulants’ amusement. But to the killer mechanoids’ surprise, the Starbug crew decide to attack the simulant warship. The simulants, their ship heavily damaged, fire the Armageddon Virus at Starbug which locks the ship’s course on collision with a nearby planet and then renders all systems inoperative. Kryten links into Starbug’s computers to absorb the virus but winds up incapacitated. With minutes to spare before crashing into the planet ahead, the others try to help Kryten by linking into his mind with a virtual reality of the wild west.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Red DwarfGuest Cast: Jennifer Calvert (Loretta), Denis Lill (Simulant Captain/Death), Liz Hickling (Simulant Lieutenant), Imogen Bain (Lola), Steve Devereaux (Jimmy), Robert Inch (War), Jeremy Peters (Pestilence), Dinny Powell (Famine), Stephen Marcus (Bear Strangler McGee)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Emohawk: Polymorph II

Red DwarfStarbug is hunted by a Space Corps robot law enforcement vessel, and after taking several shots from the drone, Starbug is forced to land in the ocean in an attempt to put out uncontrollable fires. Unfortunately, Starbug has landed on a planet populated by hideous GELFs, and the ship’s oxy-generation unit is damaged beyond repair. As luck would have it, though, the leader of the local GELF tribe happens to have such a unit handy, and is willing to trade with the Starbug crew. But what he wants in exchange for the OG unit is a husband for the loveliest of his three horrifically hairy daughters, an honor he decides Lister is worthy of. Lister is persuaded to agree to marry the flea-ridden beauty, and the OG unit is given to Kryten. But when Lister runs for his life to escape his honeymoon, the tribal leader sends his pet polymorph after the Starbug crew – and only the combined talents of Duane Dibbley and “Ace” Rimmer can set things right!

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Hugh Quarshie (Computer), Martin Sims (GELF), Ainsley Harriot (GELF Chief), Steven Wickham (GELF Bride)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Rimmerworld

Red DwarfStarbug returns to the rogue simulant warship it fought before, from which Lister plans to raid the cargo bays for food. One of the simulants turns out to have survived the previous encounter with Starbug, and it isn’t happy. Any exchange of fire on the simulant ship will bring the interior crashing down on anyone inside. For a moment, it looks as though Rimmer might actually attempt a daring attack on the simulant from behind, but in reality he’s just sneaking over to an escape pod, whose launch destabilizes the ship. The others scramble back to Starbug and escape, but they’re unable to catch up with Rimmer’s escape pod as it tumbles into a wormhole. Due to relativistic time dilation, by the time Starbug catches up with Rimmer, 600 years will have passed for him. In that time, he will found a new society all his own…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Liz Hickling (Rogue Simulant)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Out Of Time

Red DwarfAll trace of Red Dwarf has been lost. In the meantime, Starbug has wandered into a stellar fog concealing a reality minefield, which is itself defending something deep within the center of the fog. After stumbling through a number of unreality pockets, they reach the center of the minefield and find a derelict 28th century spaceship capable of time travel. They steal the time drive and install it in Starbug. Not long after, they are contacted by another spacecraft – another Starbug, this one from the distant future, occupied by the gang in their later years, when they have been using the time drive for decades to live the high life, but their time drive has broken down and they want the present Starbug’s time drive. And they’re willing to engage their past selves in mortal combat to get it.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Andy De Emmony
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

Original Title: Present From The Future

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Tikka To Ride

Red DwarfHaving survived a near-fatal encounter with their future selves, the crew of Starbug are faced with a far more serious scenario – the curry and lager stocks have been destroyed. Unable to come to terms with his grief, Lister is compelled to sabotage Kryten and reclaim the Time Drive. His plan? To pop back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries. Unfortunately, the time device is a little bit rusty. Instead of depositing them within chomping distance of a chicken vindaloo, the wayward device places them in a certain book store depository in Dallas, on “the day that American King was shot.” After knocking Lee Harvey Oswald out the window, our intrepid curry-seekers inadvertently change history and prevent JFK’s assassination. To evade responsibility for Oswald’s demise, the Time Drive is once again activated and takes them to Dallas, 1966. The Starbug crew’s intervention in the natural flow of history has left America barren and deserted. With time enough to take stock of their situation, the foursome deduce that they must return back in time to intervene in their own intervention (obviously).

Season 7 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

Order the DVDswritten by Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Michael J. Shannon (John F. Kennedy), Toby Aspin (Lee Harvey Oswald), Peter Gaitens (FBI Agent), Peter Ashe (Cop)

LogBook entry by Mark Stevens

Stoke Me A Clipper

Red DwarfFresh from his latest round of heroic deeds, Ace Rimmer returns from the past, on a mission to find his counterpart on Starbug. Ace just isn’t the same Ace anyone remembers – in fact, Ace is now a hard-light hologram, having replaced the original Ace. The funny thing about all those heroics is that they seem to lead to a high death rate. And “Ace” is here to recruit Red Dwarf’s own resident smeghead as the universe’s next hero. But “Ace” can’t finish Rimmer’s training before his own light bee powers down for the last time.

The universe is in a hell of a lot of trouble.

Order the DVDswritten by Paul Alexander & Doug Naylor
directed by Ed Bye
music by Howard Goodall

Red DwarfGuest Cast: Brian Cox (The King), Ken Morley (Captain Voorhese), Sarah Alexander (Queen), John Thompson (Good Knight), Alison Senior (Princess Bonjella), Mark Carlisle (Lieutenant), Mark Lingwood (Gestapo Officer), Kai Maurer (Soldier), Stephan Grothgar (Soldier), Andy Gell (Soldier), Alison (Voorhese’s crocodile)

LogBook entry by Earl Green