Holoship

Red DwarfOut and about in Starbug, the gang encounters a huge hologrammatic starship crewed by only the best and brightest holograms Space Corps has to offer. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in love. After a one-man boarding party from the holoship assesses that the rest of the Red Dwarf crew are useless, Rimmer is snatched away. Deciding that he too is among the best and brightest, Rimmer petitions for a berth aboard the holoship, an honor that will only be bestowed if he proves himself more useful than another member of the hologrammatic crew. Rimmer also meets a female member of that crew, whose members are accustomed to constant, commitment-free, meaningless, on-demand sex. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in love. Unfortunately, it is this very woman who he must challenge for a position – no pun intended – on the ship of his dreams. And she’s willing to give anything up so Rimmer can achieve his lifelong ambition to be a useful member of somebody’s crew. Needless to say, Rimmer’s in deep smegola when it comes time to make his decision.

Season 5 Regular Cast: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Hattie Hayridge (Holly)

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Jane Horrocks (Nirvanah Crane), Matthew Marsh (Captain Platini), Don Warrington (Commander Binks), Lucy Briers (Harrison), Simon Day (Number Two), Jane Montgomery (Number One)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

The Inquisitor

Red DwarfIn deep space, control of Starbug is wrested from the gang by the Inquisitor, a deranged simulant who has taken it upon itself to remove those it considers worthless from the universe and replace them with someone who could’ve made more of life. The Inquisitor confronts them aboard Red Dwarf, forcing each to justify his existence. Rimmer complains that he’s lucky to have achieved his esteemed status as a corpse-turned-hologram considering his background. Cat insists that his posterior is a work of art and that it’d be cruel to deny the universe of it. Kryten insists that he has behaved as he was programmed but wanted to be much more, and Lister tells the Inquisitor to spin on it. The latter two are selected to be removed from existence itself.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: John Docherty (Inquisitor), Jake Abraham (Second Lister), James Cormack (Thomas Allman)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Terrorform

Red DwarfRimmer and Kryten, who have taken a Starbug out to do a bit of moon-hopping, have crash-landed on a psi-moon, a self-terraforming world which reconfigures itself to conform to its inhabitants’ psyches. Since Rimmer has become the only living being on the psi-moon, it has uprooted its surface and turned into the hopeless living hell that is Rimmer’s miserable personality. Kryten detaches one of his mechanoid hands and sends it to Red Dwarf to get help. Lister and Cat manage to repair Kryten and set out to find Rimmer. They discover that his persecution complex has manifested itself in an insulting, abusive creature which is about to torture Rimmer just when he is rescued. Returning to the Starbug, they discover that their escape is entirely dependent on how much of a boost they can give to Rimmer’s ego. The guys face their most horrific challenge ever – they must look Arnold J. Rimmer in the eye and tell him they care about him…

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Sara Stockenbridge (Handmaiden), Francine Walker-Lee (Handmaiden)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Quarantine

Red DwarfThe guys take Starbug to search for Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom, a brilliant doctor whose hologram may still be functioning aboard her old ship. Rimmer is dismayed at the prospect of recruiting Lanstrom since only one hologram can operate aboard Red Dwarf or Starbug at a time. As it turns out, his fears are complete unfounded since Lanstrom turns out to be infected with a program corruption called a “holo-virus,” and has not only gone murderously mad but has also developed telekinesis and various other deadly powers. Luckily for Lister, Cat and Kryten, the holo-virus runs its course and destroys Lanstrom, but she has already managed to transmit it to Rimmer. Rimmer confines the others to quarantine when they return to Red Dwarf, and begins to develop the same hideous abilities as Lanstrom. If Lister, Cat and Kryten can avoid strangling each other while facing the prospects of months of isolation, they might be able to save Rimmer…as if anyone would want to.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Grant Naylor
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Maggie Steed (Dr. Hildegarde Lanstrom), Mr. Flibble (himself)

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Demons & Angels

Red DwarfKryten and Lister are experimenting with the triplicator, a device Kryten has adapted from the Matter Paddle which can produce two copies of any object; in this case, they’re trying it out with strawberries, and the device works perfectly, though it somehow produces one divine and wholesome copy of the strawberry and another teeming with maggots and nastiness (which Lister discovers by biting into it). Kryten tries to reverse the process, and before anyone can sing “Strawberry Fields Forever,” the drive room is bursting with explosions and the gang has to beat a hasty retreat to Starbug just in case Red Dwarf explodes…which, rather less than surprisingly, it does soon after Starbug escapes. But, to make up for the predictability of that, the law of averages takes a snooze as Kryten spots two copies of Red Dwarf nearby – which, since he theorizes they were created by a freak field reversal in the triplicator, will be a divine, idealized Red Dwarf, and the other will be, as Lister puts it, “fish bait.” Seeking help from the idealized Red Dwarf, they find four individuals who spend their time in pursuit of higher truths and ideologies and spiritual fulfillment. When the “low” Red Dwarf sends out a mayday, our heroes and their “higher” counterparts set out to render assistance, only to find a trap set by four bloodthirsty, murderous individuals aboard a grungy garbage scow of a ship. If they can survive their “low” selves, the guys may be able to combine the two and recreate their own Red Dwarf.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Juliet May and Grant Naylor
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: none

Original Title: High & Low

LogBook entry by Earl Green

Back To Reality

Red DwarfExamining the submerged wreckage of the seeding ship Esperanto, Lister, Kryten and Cat discover that every form of life they find has committed suicide for reasons unknown. Upon the discovery of a venom with hallucinogenic properties, they start high-tailing it back to Starbug, unaware that the enormous, New-Mexico-sized squid from which this rather disgusting substance emerged is heading for Starbug even faster than they are. Trying to run for it, they are caught in a huge blast of the venom and Starbug crashes into the ocean floor. When they come to, the guys find that they’ve been playing a virtual reality game called “Red Dwarf” for the past four years, and they aren’t who they thought they were. Kryten is a cybernetic traffic cop named Jake Bullet; the Cat is Duane Dibbley, a completely uncool individual with no style, grace or dress sense, and an overbite that could eclipse most stars; Rimmer turns out to be the non-hologrammatic bum Billy Doyle; and Lister is revealed to be small-time fascist dictator Sebastian Doyle – Billy’s half brother. Things in the real world aren’t what they expected, and before they know it, our heroes Jake, Duane, Billy and Sebastian wish they were back on Red Dwarf. Since that option seems to be out of the question at the moment, they decide that suicide is comparitively painless.

Order the DVDswritten by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
directed by Grant Naylor
SSS Esperanto scenes directed by Juliet May
music by Howard Goodall

Guest Cast: Timothy Spall (Andy), Lenny Von Dohlen (Cop), Anastasia Hille (New Kochanski), Marie McCarthy (Nurse), John Sharian (New Lister)

LogBook entry by Earl Green