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Funny Stuff Spamatozoa

Remind me to let Inspector Javert check my inbox

Victor Hugo!  NOOOOOOO!Remember “Alien Nation“, where all of the aliens had the names of famous dead people? Maybe this gem from my inbox this morning is kinda like that.

If you’re interested in showing up as a first page result for more search terms on google and yahoo, reply back with all addresses you’re looking to promote and the best number to contact you with details.

Sincerely,

Victor Hugo

Wow, Victor, that’s quite a generous offer. I suppose that you’re saying that if I took you up on that, I might be… well… less miserable?Read more

Categories
Funny Stuff Spamatozoa

The seven habits of highly ineffective product recommendation algorithms

Ping...ping...You know, I have nothing against ABBA or musicals based on the works thereof. But the e-mail I got from Amazon UK this morning just makes no sense. See if you can follow the logic here:

We recommend: Mamma Mia! [DVD] [2008]

DVD ~ Meryl Streep

RRP: £21.99
Price: £7.98
You Save: £14.01 (64%)

Recommended because you purchased or rated:
* Doctor Who – The Mark Of The Rani [DVD] [1985]
* Doctor Who – The Claws Of Axos [DVD] [1971]
* Doctor Who – Vengeance on Varos [DVD] [1963]

I have a feeling that only the broadest connection possible applies here: you bought shiny round things from us a few years ago, therefore you simply must be interested in this shiny round thing, because everyone who likes shiny round things at all likes this particular shiny round thing. Trust us. We’ve asked them. All of them.

I know marketing is an inexact science, but come on, the logic on this one is grope-in-the-dark voodoo, people. 😆 … Read more

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Spamatozoa

Wait a minute, what services does that include?

If there’s anything more insidious than just damned spam, it’s porn spam. And even worse than that is porn spam carried over to the edge of English-as-a-fourth-language illegibility and dropped off without a care. To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, here’s the basic formula:

1. Word 1 = Some saucy adjective
2. Word 2 = Slang noun for a woman of loose virtue
3. Word 3 = Some racy verb
4. Word 4 = Some synonym, sometimes very distantly related, for “man”
5. Intersperse random characters through the statement resulting from the above random generation to try to get past the Bayesian filters.

My all-time favorite result of the above random generation technique arrived in my inbox this morning:

AWARD-WINNING FLOOZIE SERVICES HUMANITY

(That’s with all the random letters removed.)

Two thoughts spring immediately to mind: … Read more

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Spamatozoa

Doesn’t that mean he was laying down!?

Best Nigerian scam e-mail I’ve seen in months. 😆

My name is Cox Peter Jnr, a resident of London and an attorney to Late Mr. Nelson Lawrence, he was a prone oil dealer in Saudi Arabia, he died in Taiwan hospital along side with his two kids by a car crash. He left behind legacies and estates since 2002, which lead me to contact you today for a help of signing Form “M” of the security company beholding the sum of $60.2MUSD. According to records only his relatives can make a withdrawal of the fund from my late client’s account in the security bank in London.

Thanks for the laughs, “Cox Peter Jnr”. I’ll give you a “help” of something all right. 😛… Read more

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Spamatozoa

Darn you, Ed!

Best spam subject header of the day:

Don’t let ED affect your sex!

Hey, if he even so much as tries, I am so gonna kick his butt.

Best Nigerian Money Scam spam of the month:
Well, this requires a little bit of backstory. I’m sure you’ve seen these before. They go to the tune of “I am Mrs. Mamby Pamby, and my husband, the deposed minister of finance in the Congo, was killed while escaping rebel insurgents…” etc. etc., and of course, you – lucky you! – have been randomly selected to help this person move the deceased’s entire fortune into your bank account. For safe keeping. Of course.

This one, however, the best Nigerian scam e-mail in history, started out: “My husband and I, the deposed minster of finance in the Congo, was killed while escaping…”

Don’t tell it to me, honey. I’ll forward your e-mail to Ghost Hunters or something.… Read more

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Spamatozoa

Seven (dozen) dirty words you can’t say on my blog

I got this in my e-mail today, and it just seemed so wonderfully vague that I had to laugh:

The primrose path is hereabout with Cial!s!

However, funny as that is, it reminds me that I’ve been meaning to post something for quite a while. To cut down on the already overtaxed comment management ability of the software here, I’ve put several frequently-spammed words into a list which basically auto-filters incoming comments. Basically, if a comment contains any of these words, it goes nowhere. It isn’t set aside so I can manage it, it’s just auto-deleted.

effexor, valium, casino, ephedrine, phendimetrazine, bowflex, zoloft, ephedra, cymbalta, zoloft, adderall, refinance, mortgage, rolex, viagra, xanax, phentermine, hoodia, cialis, alprazolam, singulair, adipex, protonix, carisoprodol, diazepam, ativan, vicodin, tramadol, taladafil, xenical, fioricet, hydrocodone, levitra, keno, baccarat, paxil, propecia, butalbital, celexa, albego, acyclovir, tadalafil, wellbutrin, refinancing, oxycodone, percocet

I’m providing this list as a courtesy to my friends, so they know…well…what not to say. I don’t normally go in for censorship of any kind like that, but (A) these show up way too often in spam comments that I delete before you can ever see (so they’re good tools to help weed out spam to a manageable level), and (B) I don’t see these things coming up in casual conversation around here. They’re all words that have appeared in spam comments here before.

Anyway, now you know…and knowing is approximately 47.2% of the battle. (Little known fact: approximately 6% of the battle is post-consumer recycled fibers.)… Read more

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Serious Stuff Spamatozoa

Wii Control All That You See And Spam

So I got an e-mail the other day, claiming I could win a Nintendo Wii if I answered a few questions – no purchase necessary. I decided to do an experiment. I created a new e-mail account on my server and signed up under a different name for this survey, answered the questions, and was told I could expect notification soon “if I won”.

I then walked away and left that e-mail account for exactly five business days.

I checked the account today. Lo and behold, no frii Wii. But there were about 1600 new messages, all of them spam, some of them get-rich-quick and MLM schemes, and even a small but obvious amount of porn spam.

For anyone even thinking about clicking on one of those tempting offers, just let this be something for you to think on before clicking “Yes! I would like my complimentary walrus polishing kit!”

Now, just for fun, I’m going to go lower the limit on that e-mail account to something like 40 K, and set an autoresponder up. 😆 In the meantime, I hope this has opened someone’s eyes.… Read more