Category: Critters

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The Ballad of Oberon

1 min read

I’ve lost the sweetest cat I’ve ever known in my life.

Oberon literally showed up unannounced in my yard one on of the worst days in my life – a December day on which I saw my horse drown.  It was almost like he was someone cluelessly showing up at the worst possible time asking “Hey, I heard you have a vacancy?”  But there was something very different about this cat: not only was he immediately friendly, coming up to me awkwardly for pets and scritchies, but…my dog, Xena, hadn’t chased him away.  She normally chased away any cats that weren’t “hers” (at that time, my cat Othello still ruled the roost, and Olivia had just been adopted a few months earlier and was still a kitten.) … Read more

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Critters Funny Stuff

Waking Up: A Horror Story

Dramatis Personae

  • MAN – in his 40s, blissfully asleep, blissfully unaware of the horror that is about to unfold.
  • PORTIA – an energetic five-year-old tabby cat, forever stuck in perma-kitten mode. Affectionate.
  • PUCK – a seven-year-old black cat, possibly the laziest feline ever. Not slender, to put it charitably.

We hear the sound of LICKING. Fade in slowly, and slightly out of focus, from MAN’s point of view. PORTIA is the one doing the licking, and she’s licking MAN’s face.

PORTIA
Lick, lick, lick, lick…oh hi, you’re awake!

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA
I want you to get up and pet me! So I’m going to start kneading your bladder so you have to get up and pee. Then you can pet me!

PORTIA moves further away and begins KNEADING.

PORTIA [while kneading]
Need to pee yet?

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA [still kneading]
What about now?

MAN
Mmmmhmmmm.

PORTIA [still kneading, but obviously pleased with her handiwork]
Oh good!

There is a dull THUD and something completely blocks MAN’s view. (We are still seeing everything from MAN’s POV.) But we haven’t faded to black. This is simply PUCK, who has jumped onto MAN. And is now simply sitting there, self-satisfied and really unconcerned with what everyone else was doing, as we wonder what the

PUCK
Hi.

MAN [annoyed]
Hnnnnnnnhhhh. Gotta pee. Move.

PUCK doesn’t move. MAN can’t move.

PUCK
Hi.

HARD CUT TO BLACK as the last word echoes into the darkness.

MAN
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!

A pause, and then

PUCK
Hi.

THE END… Read more

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Critters

Four-cat pile-up

It’s been raining for two days, and will rain for two more, if the forecast is even remotely right. My baby curled up and went straight to sleep, and I realized that the sight of my kids sleeping triggers an instinct in me…

…you thought I was going to say “to stand guard and watch over them”, right? Aw hell no. It’s an instinct to nap at the same time. While I can. It’s something that kind of overwrites your DNA when you stay home with an infant: either nap while you have the chance, or get something done somewhere in the house.

And with the rain beating down 24/7, let me tell you, that switch gets flipped solidly to “nap”. Surrounded by cats.

Four-cat pile-up

Enjoy, then, this fine view of Obi’s junk.… Read more