51 Shades of Geek

Waking Up: A Horror Story

Dramatis Personae

  • MAN – in his 40s, blissfully asleep, blissfully unaware of the horror that is about to unfold.
  • PORTIA – an energetic five-year-old tabby cat, forever stuck in perma-kitten mode. Affectionate.
  • PUCK – a seven-year-old black cat, possibly the laziest feline ever. Not slender, to put it charitably.

We hear the sound of LICKING. Fade in slowly, and slightly out of focus, from MAN’s point of view. PORTIA is the one doing the licking, and she’s licking MAN’s face.

PORTIA
Lick, lick, lick, lick…oh hi, you’re awake!

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA
I want you to get up and pet me! So I’m going to start kneading your bladder so you have to get up and pee. Then you can pet me!

PORTIA moves further away and begins KNEADING.

PORTIA [while kneading]
Need to pee yet?

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA [still kneading]
What about now?

MAN
Mmmmhmmmm.

PORTIA [still kneading, but obviously pleased with her handiwork]
Oh good!

There is a dull THUD and something completely blocks MAN’s view. (We are still seeing everything from MAN’s POV.) But we haven’t faded to black. This is simply PUCK, who has jumped onto MAN. And is now simply sitting there, self-satisfied and really unconcerned with what everyone else was doing, as we wonder what the

PUCK
Hi.

MAN [annoyed]
Hnnnnnnnhhhh. Gotta pee. Move.

PUCK doesn’t move. MAN can’t move.

PUCK
Hi.

HARD CUT TO BLACK as the last word echoes into the darkness.

MAN
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!

A pause, and then

PUCK
Hi.

THE END

Four-cat pile-up

It’s been raining for two days, and will rain for two more, if the forecast is even remotely right. My baby curled up and went straight to sleep, and I realized that the sight of my kids sleeping triggers an instinct in me…

…you thought I was going to say “to stand guard and watch over them”, right? Aw hell no. It’s an instinct to nap at the same time. While I can. It’s something that kind of overwrites your DNA when you stay home with an infant: either nap while you have the chance, or get something done somewhere in the house.

And with the rain beating down 24/7, let me tell you, that switch gets flipped solidly to “nap”. Surrounded by cats.

Four-cat pile-up

Enjoy, then, this fine view of Obi’s junk.

Happy rescue day, Puck!

Today is Puck’s rescue day, but only by virtue of there not being a term for “little wandering kitten who strays into a clearly inhabited man-made structure for of TV station stuff and goes to sit on the first sucker for cats he finds”, and a holiday to go with it. Puck didn’t really get adopted, he adopted me.

Puckalucka

And I’m totally okay with that. He was the best “perk” I got from my last few years in TV. And he still is, every time he curls up next to my year-old baby and leaves himself wide open to being petted, patted, and grabbed. He has the patience of three saints. And he’s so fluffy.