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While You Were Out

Tonight was the first time in over two weeks that the kids weren’t over and I had the place to myself. I came home and promptly crashed on the couch after several days of only 1-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night.

Now here’s where it gets weird. Read More

Indiana Earl and the Donkeys of Doom

I went to bed late, and was half-asleep when something hit the front door of the house, almost like a gunshot. Simultaneously, my dog, who was staying outside keeping the horse company tonight, went apeshit. Next thing I heard was the horse, also going nuts. I put on my robe and ran outside… Read More

Waking Up: A Horror Story

Dramatis Personae

  • MAN – in his 40s, blissfully asleep, blissfully unaware of the horror that is about to unfold.
  • PORTIA – an energetic five-year-old tabby cat, forever stuck in perma-kitten mode. Affectionate.
  • PUCK – a seven-year-old black cat, possibly the laziest feline ever. Not slender, to put it charitably.

We hear the sound of LICKING. Fade in slowly, and slightly out of focus, from MAN’s point of view. PORTIA is the one doing the licking, and she’s licking MAN’s face.

PORTIA
Lick, lick, lick, lick…oh hi, you’re awake!

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA
I want you to get up and pet me! So I’m going to start kneading your bladder so you have to get up and pee. Then you can pet me!

PORTIA moves further away and begins KNEADING.

PORTIA [while kneading]
Need to pee yet?

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA [still kneading]
What about now?

MAN
Mmmmhmmmm.

PORTIA [still kneading, but obviously pleased with her handiwork]
Oh good!

There is a dull THUD and something completely blocks MAN’s view. (We are still seeing everything from MAN’s POV.) But we haven’t faded to black. This is simply PUCK, who has jumped onto MAN. And is now simply sitting there, self-satisfied and really unconcerned with what everyone else was doing, as we wonder what the

PUCK
Hi.

MAN [annoyed]
Hnnnnnnnhhhh. Gotta pee. Move.

PUCK doesn’t move. MAN can’t move.

PUCK
Hi.

HARD CUT TO BLACK as the last word echoes into the darkness.

MAN
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!

A pause, and then

PUCK
Hi.

THE END

Four-cat pile-up

It’s been raining for two days, and will rain for two more, if the forecast is even remotely right. My baby curled up and went straight to sleep, and I realized that the sight of my kids sleeping triggers an instinct in me…

…you thought I was going to say “to stand guard and watch over them”, right? Aw hell no. It’s an instinct to nap at the same time. While I can. It’s something that kind of overwrites your DNA when you stay home with an infant: either nap while you have the chance, or get something done somewhere in the house.

And with the rain beating down 24/7, let me tell you, that switch gets flipped solidly to “nap”. Surrounded by cats.

Four-cat pile-up

Enjoy, then, this fine view of Obi’s junk.