Dramatis Personae

  • MAN – in his 40s, blissfully asleep, blissfully unaware of the horror that is about to unfold.
  • PORTIA – an energetic five-year-old tabby cat, forever stuck in perma-kitten mode. Affectionate.
  • PUCK – a seven-year-old black cat, possibly the laziest feline ever. Not slender, to put it charitably.

We hear the sound of LICKING. Fade in slowly, and slightly out of focus, from MAN’s point of view. PORTIA is the one doing the licking, and she’s licking MAN’s face.

PORTIA
Lick, lick, lick, lick…oh hi, you’re awake!

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA
I want you to get up and pet me! So I’m going to start kneading your bladder so you have to get up and pee. Then you can pet me!

PORTIA moves further away and begins KNEADING.

PORTIA [while kneading]
Need to pee yet?

MAN
Mmmmmph.

PORTIA [still kneading]
What about now?

MAN
Mmmmhmmmm.

PORTIA [still kneading, but obviously pleased with her handiwork]
Oh good!

There is a dull THUD and something completely blocks MAN’s view. (We are still seeing everything from MAN’s POV.) But we haven’t faded to black. This is simply PUCK, who has jumped onto MAN. And is now simply sitting there, self-satisfied and really unconcerned with what everyone else was doing, as we wonder what the

PUCK
Hi.

MAN [annoyed]
Hnnnnnnnhhhh. Gotta pee. Move.

PUCK doesn’t move. MAN can’t move.

PUCK
Hi.

HARD CUT TO BLACK as the last word echoes into the darkness.

MAN
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!

A pause, and then

PUCK
Hi.

THE END

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About the Author

Earl Green ()

I'm the creator, editor-in-chief and head writer of theLogBook.com.

Website: http://www.theLogBook.com

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