MOAB: Move Over, Acronym Boys.

So, we’re a-goin’ to war. Oh, don’t kid yourself. We are, y’know. I’m iffy on the whole thing myself – one the one hand, I think George W. Bush is pushing mighty hard, and yet he’s also pushing credibility mighty hard in implying that this’ll all be over in just a few months (which, if you read between the lines, translates roughly to “just in time for the 2004 election season”). Does Saddam need to be dealt with? Well, yes. And 12 years ago would have been an excellent time to do so (but that’s a whole other discussion about a whole other Bush wanting to tidy things up before a whole other election year). Do we need to jump-start WWIII to deal with Saddam? Well, it’s starting to look unavoidable.
But as apocalyptic as it all seems, we don’t live in an age entirely devoid of opportunities for a giggle or two.
Earlier this month, the U.S. performed a suspiciously public test of a new high-yield conventional bomb, a 21,000 pound monster called MOAB. It really stands for Massive Ordnance Air Burst, but informally, it also stands for “mother of all bombs.” It also has some Biblical connections, namely to a nation that rather unsuccessfully attacked Israel in the Old Testament. (Uh…what are we saying here, guys?)
Now, with all that in mind, let me ask this of the brass: what the hell kinda Doctor-Evil-meets-the-Man-From-U.N.C.L.E. acronym is that? Come on – that’s right out of a James Bond movie, only funnier. And yet here we are, demonstrating it like it’s show ‘n’ tell day with that goofy acronym. It reminds me far too much of 1960s spy shows and movies, where everything the bad guys come up with has some cool but evil-sounding acronym: SPECTRE for example.
If you ask me, what the government really needs to do is keep this sort of thing under wraps. Easier said than done in this day and age of the Freedom Of Information Act, journalists embedding with troops in the Middle East on the frontline, and damn near everything being on the web. But I have a solution which I now offer free of charge to our Armed Forces. And it will make sure that the press doesn’t blab about the latest weapons, operations or strategies if doing so would provide the enemy with an undue advantage.
It’s really simple – give everything that’s really sensitive a name that can only be shortened to a very obscene acronym. Then the media will never be able to talk about it.
Think about it. If we invented a Super Powerful High Irradiation Nuclear Counter-Terrorist Extreme Retaliator, what would that acronym be? Who in their right minds would put that up on the screen? Or how about the Super High Intensity Tactical Hydrogen Energy Atomic Destructor? Doesn’t make much sense in technical terms, but I’d love to see CNN put that acronym on the air.
To keep the bad guys from pulling anything sneaky, we’ll need a Covert Operations Intelligence Threat-Undermining Systen – and hey, admit it, that’s a James Bond name if ever there was one. We’re talking about the same filmmakers who named a character “Pussy Galore,” after all.
If we can get Saddam to disarm about 90% of the way (sheeeeyah, right!), maybe we could be happy with getting him to sign a Finite Arms Reduction Treaty. And if that doesn’t work, maybe we just need to give him a little Bilateral Limited Operations With Jets Or Boats. Of course, he might not be worth that much effort – maybe we can just launch the Joint Air Command Killing Opposing Fighting Forces project. That way, we avoid the messy “Subjugation Protocol Insurgency Tatics or Submarine With Atomic Limited Load Offensive Warheads” debate. If plenty of Iraqi soldiers surrender or defect, we can turn them back against their former commander with the Basic Underground Tactical Training Featuring Uniforms Containing Khaki strategy. Preferably with little or no Vaseline.
Of course, who’s to say that America has the market cornered on goofy acronyms? Saddam brought us the hilariously scatological-sounding SCUD missiles after all – well, he kept trying to bring them to us last time. I don’t recall too many of them actually reaching their targets. But he may have something else hidden away in his pocket, like a Destructive Incineration Load Delivery Operation. Color me scared.
Hopefully everyone sees the humor in this. I’ll admit, it’s hard to laugh about any of it. Especially when our men and women in uniform are gathering for a little bit of rough-housing in the big sandbox right now. I’m gonna come right out with it, ladies and gents – I don’t care for the guy who sent you there. I didn’t vote for him (or, for that matter, for his primary opponent). I question his dubious decision-making processes (if, indeed, any are actually in use at the moment). But whatever my feelings are about the guy calling the shots, I respect and admire the bravery of our people who are over there to implement a policy that they didn’t come up with themselves. I might protest for peace now, but I also back our troops when they go into action. My protest comes from this perspective: I’d rather you people didn’t have to do any of this so you could be home with your families. But history seems to have other ideas. When the time comes, give ’em hell. And then come home safe.
Reporting live from America’s Super Secret Weapons Intelligence Proliferation Edifice, this is…

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